“It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.” … Continue reading “Why support is so thin for faithful spouses–aka adultery victims”
Category: Cheating
Beware of ethics stance at AAMFT!
Thou shalt not commit adultery. -Exodus 20:14, KJV Divorce Minister’s Take On the Ethics of AAMFT For those who are unfamiliar, the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) is a–if not THE— major professional association for marriage therapists in the United States. You can read their ethics statement by clicking (here). Today’s post … Continue reading “Beware of ethics stance at AAMFT!”
But she said she would never…
She said she would would never cheat on me. No matter how difficult the marriage became, we were (supposedly) committed to each other. Cheating was not on the table. You see this is what makes infidelity so hard to believe. Cheating flies in the face of explicit promises made by the faithful spouse–husband or wife. … Continue reading “But she said she would never…”
A stranger
Yesterday, I was on a social media site. As they do, they post connection suggestions. One of those was a picture of my ex and her new husband. In that moment, I realized that she is just a stranger to me at this point. All connection has been severed and cauterized. Thankfully. Now in my … Continue reading “A stranger”
Domination via “conversation”
“We NEVER talk!” cries the cheater (in a conversation with their spouse). Cheaters say one thing and really mean another. The arguments they fight with faithful spouses are less about what they say and more about domination. It is not that faithful spouses will not talk but rather faithful spouses do not agree with what the cheater … Continue reading “Domination via “conversation””
Faithful pets
“That cat has been more faithful to me than you daughter!” -Faithful Spouse to MIL (Mother-In-Law) Sometimes our animals exhibited greater character than our spouses. At least, they didn’t cheat on us. It is a sad commentary on cheaters that this is such a true statement. They cannot even beat out a cat or a … Continue reading “Faithful pets”
Reason to feel anxious
One of the many difficulties of dealing with a cheater is how they induce panic and anxiety in us. I can remember feeling such panic and anxiety during each interaction with my cheater. Maybe it is just me?! But I doubt it. This fear and panic comes from all the nasty surprises one gets in … Continue reading “Reason to feel anxious”
No outrunning or truly winning!
“Don’t be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds!” -Galatians 6:7-8a, MSG Cheater seems happy and prosperous while I struggle to make … Continue reading “No outrunning or truly winning!”
Outsider “forgiveness concern” vs “repentance concern”
…and if you see him going the wrong direction, cry out and correct him. If there is true repentance on his part, forgive him. -Luke 17:3, TPT I wonder if you have experienced versions of these questions or statements. (They usually come from well-meaning–but emotionally and biblically tone-deaf–Christians): “So, have you forgiven her?” “Where are … Continue reading “Outsider “forgiveness concern” vs “repentance concern””
Continue to tell your story
Telling the story of what happened is important if we want to change how people treat faithful spouses. The larger narrative starts to change when people learn that their friend, colleague, or even family member was mistreated by a cheater. It changes because they are emotionally invested in you and your hurts matter to them. … Continue reading “Continue to tell your story”