Cheaters sometimes come with the faithful spouse to a pastor (or Christian marriage counselor) with a list.
This is a list designed to excuse their behavior and keep the focus off their own sin. Many take the bait.
We, faithful spouses, think that if we do the requested self-improvements then we can save our marriage.
It is not about the list, though.
The cheater never had any intention to stay in the marriage with even an “improved” you. They are simply setting you up to fail and then insult to the injury of their adulterous-divorce-discard of you.
Plus, you have to have a remarkably high level of entitlement to give such a list to one’s faithful partner!
The cheater has sinned in THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE against the marriage by cheating and suggesting divorce.
They do not get to disperse a report card on the faithful spouse. The only thing that ought to come out of their mouth is remorse and pleas for the mercy of not divorcing them!
But that usually is not how it goes…
They issue their list of faithful spouse “deficiencies,” and if that spouse is able to improve, they then insist that they are not bound to stay married anyways.
It isn’t about the deficiencies. That is just a distraction designed to keep faithful spouses and pastors from confronting the cheater’s sins. Don’t take the bait!
My ex bought me several books. She highlighted the parts that I was deficient in. So helpful of her!! The book had lists of ten items. She’d highlight 2-3. That means I was making a passing grade right? Ha. She’d already made up her mind.
Thank you, Divorce Minister, for another helpful post.
My Cheater was really fussy about some stuff and gave me very specific instructions NOT to be ignored. I was to leave his clothes alone save for the ones he put in the hamper. He had specific timing, preferences and rituals for the others including a bag for the dry cleaners that I was NOT to touch. That was fine.
So before I knew of the adultery during the “Im leaving you because you are a bad wife” we went to marriage counseling and he said to the guy “she is a terrible wife, at this very moment there is a bag of dry cleaning in my closet that needs to be dropped off and she hasn’t touched it”.
The REAL problem here is that he was clearly telling me that I was in a lose-lose situation and I was STILL trying. I hadn’t even learned of the cheating yet. He was using the Free Will God gave him to sin and no amount of prayers would force Gods hand to defy his Free Will.
I could fly to the moon with the energy and effort I put into that fruitless endeavor.