Let’s retire the awful phrase:
“Failed Marriage.”
I find this phrase obnoxious for several reasons. In general, my objection to its use is how it communicates things that ought to have no place among God’s people.
Let me explain…
First, what do we mean by “failed marriage?”
This implies there are successful and unsuccessful marriages. Obviously, the phrase is a euphemism for marriages that end in divorce. So, that means all other marriages are successful marriages. Is that true?
Is it true one is successful at marriage simply by staying married? I would say the answer is, “No.”
One could cheat and abuse but still not be labelled with a “failed marriage” as long as the chump they married stays married to them. That is a problem. I would not consider such marriages successful. More importantly, I would consider such marriages ungodly.
Marriages ended via infidelity did not fail. They were destroyed by the adulterous sins of one party.
Using the “failed marriage” label obscures this important moral fact. It shifts blame for the marriage ending across both parties. That is unjust and cruel to the victim of the adulterous behavior.
This “failed marriage” language creates a divorce-shaming culture where the goal is no longer godliness but staying together at all costs (including tolerating horrific sins like abuse and adultery).
The phrase “failed marriage” unjustly shifts blame to adultery victims, adds to unbiblical divorce shame, and enables sin to continue as long as the parties stay married. Its use has no place among God’s people!
My 21 year marriage did not fail. It was by my ex’s own admission a lie perpetuated against me, and con job. He said upon his exit that he had been cheating for ten years; and that he had never loved me. I already was pretty sure he had cheated early in our marriage; but he seemed to grow and mature and really looked to me like he was becoming a solid family man. Nope, that was the image he used with me working by his side in the community and politics to get to his goal of a high rank in the PD.
Then once he achieved that goal, he began the year of discard. He became verbally and emotionally abusive; then I ran our credit card history for three years and he had spent massive amounts of money on the town bicycle.
Was the marriage a failure, no. There never was a marriage, he was just a rank and file con man, who not only conned me; but threw his sins in Gods face. He was a professing Christian; who was living a double life. And he did it successfully for a long time.
His house of card did fall, and since she was his direct report he got demoted; and thrown out of the inner circle. That brought little comfort to me, all of that horror and pain, the years I worked hard to help him simply because I adored him and thought he loved me.
Hello Susie Lee, I could not agree more that the unfaithful spouse lives a life of lies and deciet. They lie to us, the faithful spouces, and they lie to themselves. In my case it was years of her infidelity followed by blaming it on everything except herself. It was my work travel, it was hard being a stay at home mom, I was not social enough, and on and on. The worst part was that actually began questioning myself and the husband that I was. It took alot of time for me to finally come to the peaceful realization that I was actually a very good and loving husband and father and that it was her decision and action alone to commit adultry and destroy a family. Like you, I was totally blindsided by what I thought was a commited spouce. I hope you can take to heart the same contentment knowing that you did it right, you supported him and loved him. You did your part and you did it well.