Pastor David,
I did want to ask your opinion/insight on something else if you don’t mind.I am struggling with what our role is as Christians when it comes to this sexual sin that is permeating our society and destroying marriages. I don’t want to let my pain blind me from the truth of the scriptures.Here is my struggle. Our divorce was final in November and they are expecting a baby next month. My oldest son and his inlaws have decided to embrace them as a couple. I was attending their church until my son informed me he would be inviting them. I told him I couldn’t be in the same church with them and I wouldn’t be coming anymore. He said that was my choice. They are currently living together and have shown no remorse or repentance for what they have done. My son is very angry with me for divorcing and feels I should have stayed no matter what was going on and you should never divorce. He says I have my faith and his dad needs to be embraced and loved by the church and her too in hope that they will come to Christ. They have a better chance of getting to a place of repentance if they are in the church. Lately he makes me feel like I am a bad Christian because I am upset that he decided to do this when he believes it is the right thing to do. My heart just hurts and it feels like a bit of another betrayal.I am struggling with this approach mainly because it hurts me. My question is; is this the right thing to do. God took me to 1st Corinthians 5 that speaks to sexual sin in the church. Why would a church invite this in? How could they embrace me knowing what happened to our family to turn around and embrace them when they are unrepentant. How can my son’s inlaws have her eating at the table in their home? I have prayed the Lord would bring my ex back to Him and I have prayed for her as well. I don’t know what my role should be? I feel I can’t play a role in this, it is just too painful. Am I to support them? To be honest, I don’t want to be in the home where they have embraced her nor the church. I know this is my pain speaking but this is just how I feel. I get to choose who is in my inner circle. How do you support both sides when to me there is clearly a right and wrong side.What is our role? What should we do as Christians? What should the church do? I want them to do what God would have them do. I want to do what God would have me do. I would appreciate any insight you have. I ask you because you are one of the only resources I have found that will speak the truth about this subject.Have a very blessed day.-ChristianSeekingClarity
Dear ChristianSeekingClarity (CSC),
First, my heart goes out to you. I want to start by acknowledging the tremendous losses you have endured.
Clearly, you had a long enough marriage to have an adult son. So, that means a lifetime of memories was tainted by your cheater’s betrayal in the end. That is a lot to grieve, and the marriage’s end was only in November!
You wrote,
Our divorce was final in November and they are expecting a baby next month. My oldest son and his inlaws have decided to embrace them as a couple. I was attending their church until my son informed me he would be inviting them. I told him I couldn’t be in the same church with them and I wouldn’t be coming anymore.
I think this is a very appropriate boundary and support your decision to find another church in this scenario. You are only a few months out of your divorce becoming finalized, and a compassionate person would understand that you need a safe place to heal. A church welcoming your flagrantly, unrepentant adulterer and his mistress is not such a space.
You continue,
He said that was my choice.
Correct, it is your choice whether to attend an unsupportive church with the cheater or not. Like I just wrote, I applaud your decision NOT to attend such a church.
They are currently living together and have shown no remorse or repentance for what they have done. My son is very angry with me for divorcing and feels I should have stayed no matter what was going on and you should never divorce.
As we grow, I think one of the hardest lessons we learn is that we only control ourselves. Your son is allowed to have his emotions. That includes being upset with you over your decisions.
You–too–are allowed to have your own feelings and make your own decisions. Ultimately, he does not answer for your choices and decisions (2 Corinthians 5:10). It is too bad that he does not support you in your decision to end the abusive relationship to a cheater.
He says I have my faith and his dad needs to be embraced and loved by the church and her too in hope that they will come to Christ. They have a better chance of getting to a place of repentance if they are in the church.
This strikes me like the “missionary dating” idea of old. My point is that in “missionary dating” the person finds a nonbeliever and dates them with hopes of converting him or her. I do not recommend this approach.
Plus, some assumptions are off here. It sounds like your ex already professed to be a Christian before cheating on you. We are not talking about someone who was ignorant. He doubled down on his sin. Hebrews 10:26-27 is a tough word about those sort of people.
Lately he makes me feel like I am a bad Christian because I am upset that he decided to do this when he believes it is the right thing to do. My heart just hurts and it feels like a bit of another betrayal.
Do you need him to think you are a good Christian?
We get to choose what we believe about ourselves. Others’ opinions will come and go. However, we can focus on what God thinks about us despite the naysayers–including when those naysayers are close to us. Proverbs 29:25 is a great reminder about this.
I can tell you that from my perspective you are making good, biblical choices under very difficult circumstances. My opinion is I suspect God is proud of how you are doing.
If I was in your shoes, I would feel betrayed as well. Your son’s current lack of support is another loss in all of this (Maybe this will change over time?).
I am struggling with this approach mainly because it hurts me. My question is; is this the right thing to do. God took me to 1st Corinthians 5 that speaks to sexual sin in the church. Why would a church invite this in? How could they embrace me knowing what happened to our family to turn around and embrace them when they are unrepentant.
I will say this again: I think you are doing the right thing in creating distance between you and your ex. Your decision not to attend the same church is a wise choice.
As far as why a church would welcome them is concerned, I think many churches simply do not have the courage and/or energy to enforce I Corinthians 5. Plus, some might share the same twisted theology espoused by your son on this matter. However, I Corinthians 5 is very clear on this matter, and your approach–not theirs–is in alignment with it.
How can my son’s inlaws have her eating at the table in their home? I have `1prayed the Lord would bring my ex back to Him and I have prayed for her as well. I don’t know what my role should be? I feel I can’t play a role in this, it is just too painful. Am I to support them? To be honest, I don’t want to be in the home where they have embraced her nor the church. I know this is my pain speaking but this is just how I feel. I get to choose who is in my inner circle. How do you support both sides when to me there is clearly a right and wrong side.
The in-laws are making a choice to support the cheaters over your healing. That decision is upon them. I think it is the wrong choice. It is certainly unjust.
Your big question in all of this is figuring out what your role is regarding your ex and his mistress. This is what I say that role is:
Your role is to hand them over to God for Him to handle and then focus on your own life and healing. It is not your job to save them!
While it might not feel like it, I believe you are doing a very good job navigating this difficult time. You are setting important boundaries that I believe are very godly boundaries. Sadly, some people have trouble when we set boundaries; however, that is their problem.
Dear Christian Seeking Clarity,
I agree wholeheartedly with Pastro David’s advice.
I will also add:
You need time to heal and grieve what was an obviously long marriage. That’s a lot of losses. If this means going to a different church, then you are not wrong in doing that. I have also switched churches not because people are supporting my soon to be ex spouse, but because it brings too many painful memories and I need time to heal.
I agree also with setting boundaries. Your son is an adult and should be respectful of your decisions. I know this must hurt that he doesn’t respect your wishes, but I believe if you stick to your boundaries, in time he’ll come to understand. Or you can tell your son that loving someone includes calling them out when they’re wrong. You’re doing the loving thing towards your ex husband by making a stand against his adultery – you need to call out the wrong actions, otherwise how will they know that what they’ve done is wrong? If everyone is accepting of his actions (which looks like it) then they are enabling him in his sin, and this to me is not “loving”. Ask yourself, when we sin, does not God call us out on it? Does He not demand we repent? He doesn’t accept our sin. I believe you putting your boundaries on this is your way of not accepting this sin. I don’t see anything wrong with your actions. Please stay strong and praying that in time your son will see it from your point of view.
I feel for you, CSC. I am a Catholic, and while a tribunal was very much still in the process of determining the sacramental state of our marriage, my former in-laws were allowing the affair partner to sit at the very table I once sat, in front of my children, and treated him like a legitimate suitor to their daughter and father figure. As far as I am concerned, as practicing Catholics they could at least have waited until the tribunal had rendered its decision. I am blessed that my children have not shown acceptance, but they are often forced by their mother to be in the presence of the affair partner, even one time at Mass for my son’s Confirmation. I know this hurts, but stay strong in your faith, CSC. My prayers go out to you!