After discovering infidelity, I bet many of us went into overdrive to figure out how to “save” our marriages.
It is the rare faithful spouse who refuses to demean themselves further by chasing after the cheater (and the marriage) immediately. Especially, as a Christian, I think it is rare to level consequences at the start because so much bad teaching is out there on “forgiveness” and assumed “reconciliation.”
Counselors and pastors are primed to prey on faithful spouse’s vulnerability in this time.
Instead of steering the faithful spouse towards divorce and then healing, they try to get another “saved marriage” in their win column and continue billing by the hour as the faithful spouse tries to fix themselves in a doomed hope that such work will fix the adultery-ravaged marriage.
It makes sense that a faithful spouse will be desperate to “save” the marriage. They are in a state of shock and want things to go back to how they were. I know I did.
A responsible and good friend will NOT exploit this desperation but point them to the difficult truth:
Adultery has obliterated the marriage and divorce is the normal course such situations require for healing.
It is a bitter pill, but it is truth that the faithful spouse needs in this difficult time. They don’t need another person preying on their false, desperate hopes.
I will always be grateful for a good friend of mine who somehow intuitively understood this. After discovering my husband of 26 years had been unfaithful for years in all sorts of ways that immediately made it clear that there was no future for the marriage, I still talked sometimes as if I had a responsibility to try and work things out. She looked me in the eye with sympathy and said “It’s just not fixable” That was two years ago and I still reflect on that moment from time to time.