May all who gloat over my distress
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who exalt themselves over me
be clothed with shame and disgrace.

-Psalm 35:25, NIV

Churches and church leaders, generally speaking, are not good at giving faithful spouses a voice and reaffirming their agency. At least, that is my experience.

What is common is a shaming techniques. Faithful spouses are pressured to “forgive” and then pressured to stay in the marriage. They really get no say in these matters as far as these leaders are concerned.

If the faithful spouse objects to the leader’s interpretation of biblical forgiveness, they can be sure to be judged and shamed by said leader. It is all part of the collateral spiritual abuse that happens along with the soul rape.

Another way faithful spouses are silenced is through how the church does not celebrate them. Divorce is treated as something shameful and anyone who is divorced–including the victims of adultery–are simply best ignored as the church’s dirty secret. It is not right but happens all the time.

I am here to tell you that your story matters and you DO have a choice:

You can choose to divorce your cheater without shame–from God (see Mt 5:32, etc). Your story is not the shameful one. The cheater’s is. Choose to tell it to those who are worthy of your trust as not everyone is.