…and if you see him going the wrong direction, cry out and correct him. If there is true repentance on his part, forgive him.
-Luke 17:3, TPT
What I find interesting is how much advice is given about forgiveness for faithful spouses as if this is the hardest part–convincing faithful spouses to forgive. I don’t think it is.
In my experience, faithful spouses are eager to forgive their cheater to their own detriment. They are willing to forgive without repentance. It is a premature forgiveness.
When your world is spinning out of control because of the cheater’s sins, you are willing to do almost anything to return to “normal.”
That is the dangerous allure of premature forgiveness:
You think by offering forgiveness that maybe you can return to the way things were. The problem is that is never possible. It will have to be a new normal whatever happens regarding your marriage union.
Another part of the premature forgiveness is the part where one offers “forgiveness” not really taking stock of the wrongs or losses. I put “forgiveness” in scare quotes because you cannot forgive an unknown wrong.
This is again part of the temptation to live in denial that faithful spouses need to fight for their own good.
I am a pastor and support efforts to engage in the process of forgiveness. However, I do not endorse ungodly forgiveness or efforts to deny the pain of victims.
A faithful spouse ought to take stock of the wrongs and losses. Then they can more clearly see if the cheater is repenting, which is a biblical prerequisite for forgiveness according to Jesus in Luke 17:3. Plus, this positions them to offer real forgiveness for wrongs that they now see.
Sadly, many cheaters will never even say sorry for raping their spouse’s soul. They reserve their feelings for themselves. It is sad but true. In those cases, the best faithful spouses can do is hand the sin debt over to our good, just God for Him to handle.
I did this. It’s one of the biggest regrets of my life. One consolation is I didn’t have to share my kids with another man. We’re still together, but it would take a miracle for her to change and another for me to love her like I used to.
Like most, the debris field is large and the damage catastrophic.
Solidcore,
I was in your situation for almost 7 yrs.
Those were most miserable years of my life. My wife never changed, not truly repented. My kids saw me down most of the time… it was impossible to hide the feelings that ate me from inside.
What Dave wrote is true:
“When your world is spinning out of control because of the cheater’s sins, you are willing to do almost anything to return to “normal.””
My wife filed for divorce few months ago… I would of never done it myself… she is spreading lies about me, and folks who do and don’t know me believe her. This hurts deeply. I covered up her sins so others would not know and shame her… yet she has no such heart towards me.
I wish I was stronger first time around, and got divorced.
Now I feel relief… Thank God for his support… the hurt of being cheated on is gone, and I look fwd to new chapter in my life.
Hurt Not Broken
Thanks for your reply. I’m sorry your wife has been so cruel to you. If we were to divorce, I believe my wife would, like yours, spread lies about me as well. I don’t know that I would care to defend myself or correct her narrative, but it would be extremely hurtful if others believed her.
I don’t see myself filing either. I know people says kids are resilient, but I know mine would be devastated even though they’re all adults. So I’m still here but no longer desperate. In fact, the desperation is coming more from her now. I guess that’s because I’ve become lousy at disguising a lack of emotional investment. So until she makes a move I guess hope springs eternal.