“We need to have open and honest communication,” says Cheater.
When I hear the phrase “open and honest,” I am slightly triggered. It sends me back to the conflict with my ex-wife as our marriage ended.
The words aren’t bad in and of themselves. Such a goal for communication is admirable. We want to be in transparent relationships. That is good.
However, transparency with a predatory person is dangerous.
Such transparency allows them have important information about you that they can in turn use against you. This is why trust is so important in marriage.
With violated trust, engaging in such transparency is unwise.
A cheater may simply engage in this quest for information in order to become a more adept manipulator of their faithful spouse and others. It is not an honest plea.
For such a plea to be honest, a cheater would have to first divulge the details of her infidelities completely. Barring that, you are dealing with a master manipulator.
The nobleness of the goal and the expectation of good communication between spouses is what makes this such a dangerous plea for faithful spouses. It plays on our trusting nature that the plea is made from a good place.
We assume mutuality where no mutuality exists with a cheater. The cheater has no intention of exposing her secrets to the faithful partner.
Plus, an outside pastor or counselor might buy this as a legitimate plea. They may support the cheater contra the faithful spouse making the situation worse for the faithful partner.
Cheaters are liars and manipulators. The sooner a faithful spouse gets this, the better.
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*A version of this post ran previously.
To con artists information is vital to their success. They hone those skills over a long period of time. My ex taught me early in our years together not to question him too much. In hindsight it was slow and insidious but of course in the new flushes of love and early marriage, I didn’t notice.
I could write a book about the techniques in hindsight.