It is a total rebuild, not a remodel!

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“And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.” 

-Matthew 7:26-27, KJV (Red emphasis and quotation marks added)

But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” 

-Mark 10:6-9, KJV (Red emphasis and quotation marks added)

Adultery causes extreme and severe damage to a marriage.

It kills innocence and whatever marriage one once had.

Too often, I hear stories about pastors and “Christian” counselors approaching marriages ravaged by adultery as if the infidelity is merely a symptom and not a marriage ending sin as Scripture teaches (e.g. Deut. 22:22, Jer. 3:8, Mt. 1: 19, etc.)

A marriage has to be rebuilt from the foundation upwards as Scripture teaches us that God views the oneness as at the foundation of a marriage and that was violated–sometimes repeatedly–when adultery has taken place.

Think of a marriage ravaged by adultery like a house:

Adultery burned down the house known as the marriage.

In some cases, the “arsonist” added gasoline, tossed the match, and clapped with their “friends” as they watched the family “home” go up in a blaze. 

Sure, some people stay together after their marriage has been violated by infidelity. However, without rebuilding from the foundation upwards addressing the damage done by the infidelity and deceit directly, their marriage is bound to suffer from the destruction that comes from building on a cracked foundation. Character issues in the cheater need addressing for the house not to succumb to future collapse or other destruction–like from another adultery bonfire.

The heat from adultery’s flames compromised the house’s foundation cracking it beyond repair.

This is not a remodel job. 

It is a total rebuild.

Can a marriage come back from something like that?

Yes, but it takes a lot of work just as it takes a lot of work to rebuild a house burned down from a super-heated fire. Only a foolish builder denies and underestimates the cost of rebuilding a house destroyed by such a “fire.”

The house may still have the same “address”–e.g. Bob and Jane Johnson–but the marriage is not the same house following adultery and infidelity discovery. How can it be after such devastating sin? 

This is true whatever the decision made to rebuild or just “plaster over” the problems via denial. Even a successful rebuild suggests the marriage is not the same in any meaningful way.

The marriage never can be the same after the fires of adultery and deception have had their way with the original “residence.”

 

14 thoughts on “It is a total rebuild, not a remodel!”

  1. You are so correct! My husband, wonderful Christian man and father – who Swears to me with all of his heart that there was no affair, after I caught him in many lies regarding only one woman!! Well, I found him one night looking at a cabin. Not an unusual thing as we love the mountains and have gone there for vacations for years. Three weeks later, I’m scrolling on the woman’s facebook page. ( I know but who doesn’t) and I see that she’s taking her family to a cabin for Christmas. In the same town we’ve been looking at.

    Imagine my surprise when I click on her pictures and realize it’s the same cabin that I found my husband looking at 3 weeks earlier. I immediately went to our ” favorites” and looked. I spent hours looking. It wasn’t there. So, I was very calm as I asked him that night if the next time he went back on the computer if he would show me the cabin again. He said okay.

    The next night he’s on the computer. I asked him if he could find it. He couldn’t find it. I pulled up a chair and told him exactly what I had found the day before on her page. He doesn’t have facebook. I asked him if he wanted me to show him. He said no and he honestly had no idea how that could happen!

    I’m supposed to believe that. We went back to counseling. The counselor acted like I imagined it. That Satan is a deceiver. My husband agreed.

    Found out a week later that the counselor’s wife has left him the week before. 27 years of physical abuse. Won’t be going back to him obviously! My husband still swears that he has No idea how this happened! We had an argument about it one night because I told him I’m still struggling with the cabin thing. He told me in anger that he had looked at it with her and they discussed going there. He told me later that was all in sarcasm because that’s what I wanted to hear! Well, no not really. Oh my head!! Am I just crazy?

    Some days I feel like it.

    In the mean time, he acts like the most loving person on the face of the earth.

  2. I seriously almost left him two weeks ago. Kids involved. I can tell if it happened and I know something did – it is no longer happening. I actually wrote him a note a week ago and told him that most woman would be gone after the cabin issue. He swears he doesn’t know how that happened.

    My head and heart. This has been going on since Sept. when I started discovering the lies.

    1. Listen to your gut Marie. My stbx husband has sworn from day one that the other woman was just his friend and that he was leaving our marriage so that he had his freedom to pursue his hobby. I finally got pretty strong evidence this weekend, almost 2 years later that he has been cheating on me all along. I KNEW when I first confronted him about this woman that he was up yo no good and he has looked me in the eye repeatedly and lied about her. I think the first time I confronted him that it is possible they hadn’t made their relationship physical yet but it doesn’t matter. They won’t admit the truth even when you have good evidence. That’s just at what they do I’ve decided. Marie your husband is abusing you. My husband abused me continuously without laying a finger on me. I pray for clarity, peace and resilience for you. Reach out for help if you need it.

      1. This has honestly been the hardest thing because I have no absolute proof I can stick in his face. I honestly think it’s over but every time he walks out the door to go to work, I honestly feel this pit in my stomach. Happened again today. Thanks for your insight Brokenhearted believer. I have a good friend that this happened to. She showed him receipts and proof and her husband still denied it. He lives two hours away and continues with affairs now with other people. She has plans to divorce him after 30 years of marriage.

        I’m honestly at the point where I still don’t know what to do.

        1. Oh Marie, my heart really goes out to you. I know how much this hurts and how you don’t want to break up your children’s family. I have been there. I did everything possible to save my marriage and my kids’ family but that didn’t happen and I realized God only wants me in a real marriage with a godly husband, not with a cheating, lying, unrepentant and cruel man. Unless your husband is like the truly repentant one described in Dr. David Clarke’s book, then your lack of trust of your husband may never go away. That’s not a way to live and you deserve so much more. I bet you are a lovely, devoted wife and mother that deserves the same devotion. If you husband is annoyed by your feelings then he is not being the husband you deserve and need. Like your friend, my marriage is over after many years (20) but I know God can can create wonderful things from all this pain and evil, just like He did for DM. I continue to pay for your comfort and strength. One more thing- have you checked your finances? I have discovered that my stbx husband hid nearly $100,000 of credit card debt from me and I had NO idea. Turns out this is a common side effect of adulterous hearts.

    1. Marie, so sorry you are going through this. I had a lying adulterous wife, so I get it.
      “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” by Leslie Vernick is great for helping you find your voice and cutting through the crap. Hope it helps.

  3. It is called “What to Do When Your Husband Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore” and DM references it in his Resources section of his blog. Your husband doesn’t have to say those words for this book to be helpful. It is very clear about what a godly repentant husband’s behavior should be in times like these. This book was a blessing, a game changer and it really helped me see the situation clearly. I highly recommend it.

  4. Sin and dark deception is something any one of us can be seduced into. We all have a price, when we let our guards down. It’s unfortunate that we aren’t about praying and standing in the gap for these terribly deceived spouses, whose place we could just as easily be in if it weren’t for gods grace and Him protecting us. Let’s be like Christ and seek to restore our decieved spouses who cause us such pain over and over!

    1. PT,

      Taking sin seriously does not mean exclude praying for an unfaithful spouse. It just means one is grounded in a spiritual reality. Scripture does not require the faithful Christian spouse to rebuild their marriage after adultery. It is a choice (see Deut. 22:22, Mt. 19:9). It would be wise to make in informed choice before launching into that endeavor. That would be in line with “counting the cost.” Sadly, sometimes the reality is that the unfaithful spouse is NOT coming back to the marriage just as some will reject Christ permanently. The wise faithful spouse accepts reality.

      -DM

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