Two Questions Behind the Questions

Two Questions Behind the Questions:

1. “Did you deserve the abandonment or being cheated on?”

2. “Did you learn your “lesson(s)” from being cheated on/divorced?”

What a messed up world we live in where Christians are given a free pass to probe a soul rape victim with questions about what he or she has learned from the assault on their souls?

This is what I experienced in defending my minister’s license. The expectation being that I had learned important things.

And to be clear, I do believe we can learn from any experience–including awful ones, maybe especially. However, I really question the godliness of such a focus with adultery victims.

-Would we ever really put a widower pastor in front of a panel of pastors questioning him about what lessons he has learned from his wife’s death?

-Would we expect him to humbly assure them of the Lessons he learned for them to support him?

And that is just the second question behind the question. The first question behind the questions is similarly insensitive and obtuse.


The truth is that no one deserves to be cheated upon and have their soul raped by their spouse. Circumstances in the marriage are really irrelevant.

Nothing justifies committing adultery!

Now, most Christians do not come out directly with the two questions behind the questions.

However, they might probe a man about how “emotionally available” he was to his unfaithful wife. They might ask a woman whether or not she was sexually frigid.

Such probes are really seeking the answer to the question of whether or not the faithful spouse “deserved it.”

They are insensitive. And the break the Golden Rule as I doubt those who ask those questions would like the same sort of judgy-questioning if they found themselves in similar circumstances.

6 thoughts on “Two Questions Behind the Questions”

  1. I have found that most Christians don’t think that this could Ever happen to them!

    I have found that many Christians look at you like what have you done to cause this to happen?

    I have found that even those you trust the most in life can do Really Really stupid ( there are stronger words… lol) things.

    I have found out who my true friends are!

    I have found out how strong I can be!

  2. “Circumstances in the marriage are really irrelevant.”
    This hits the nail on the head.
    BOTH were in the same marriage, but one went against GOD in it…. and THAT is why GOD allowed for divorce.
    Divorce is a protection for the innocent spouse because the adulterer is hard of heart.
    That is the conclusion I have come to.

  3. Circumstances in the marriage are really irrelevant insofar as nothing justifies adultery. However, being realistic, there are couples in which, had the faithful party behaved differently, the cheating would not have occurred.

    1. Being realistic…that is just another way to say some faithful parties are responsible for the infidelity. That is a lie. However poor the spouse’s performance is as a spouse, that is not what causes the cheating. The cheater totally owns how he or she responds to circumstances. To say otherwise is to blame-shift upon the faithful party.

    2. I ditto what Divorce Minister said. The cheater is 100% to blame for their own choices, good or bad. Before the spouse cheated. They could have been an adult and had a hard talk with their spouse. They could have set boundaries if the spouse was behaving badly. They could have told their spouse what needs of theirs wasn’t being met. They could have given their spouse a chance to correct whatever behavior the spouse was doing wrong. And after doing the above and nothing changed, they could have been an adult and divorced the spouse without cheating. Not that I condone divorce for any old reason, but it seems we are all here because we were all cheated on. And being cheated on repeatedly in many various ways for over 20 years is devastating. And in the end he blamed me even though I didn’t do anything wrong (told me I was a great and “perfect” wife just about the whole time). It seems to me that most cheaters have PeteG’s POV — blame the spouse. There couldn’t possibly be any problem with the cheaters character. Yeah, right.

  4. If you’d only worn the right nighties, lost weight, looked 20 years younger, not had breast cancer, fill in the blank, you wouldn’t have been cheated on. If-if-if, it’s all victim shaming.

    Sometimes the cheater just wants to cheat even if his wife wore the nighties, lost weight, never withheld affection or relations, tried to stay attractive, tried to stay connected, etc.

    But even if the other spouse never did those things, there could be a trial separation or counseling unless the other spouse won’t go or get help.

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