Under three things the earth quakes, And under four, it cannot bear up:… Under an unloved woman when she gets a husband….
-Proverbs 30:21, 23a, NASB
Marrying an “unloved” woman (or man) is perilous.
Early in my first marriage, I remember thinking to myself that I would be able to convince my then wife that she was lovable. And I genuinely believe I succeeded for a season or two.
Yet this was a scenario bound for disaster.
When you marry someone who views themselves as intrinsically unlovable, you are marrying someone who likely is looking at externals for validation.
Until they allow God to heal this part of themselves, they will go from one substance or relationship to another in order to fill this need for validation.
They will seek “proof” they are lovable. An insatiable hunger will drive them to find ways to silence the internal voice telling them that they are unlovable.
You may fill this role for a time. In fact, you may fill the role for years. But as long as this spiritual wound is left unhealed, it is just a matter of time before you stumble in your loving “performance,” and they look elsewhere.
The “unloved” are ticking time bombs.
Yet this is not on you as a faithful spouse. Their moving onto someone new or some substance citing your “poor” performance is really not about your performance.
No one–except God Himself–could perform well enough to avoid this outcome.
You were never meant to fill this role of convincing them of their worthiness for love. That role is God’s alone.
You are neither God nor are you the Savior.
Next time, beware of the person who is convinced he or she is “unlovable.” And if you are leaving a relationship with such an individual, do not beat yourself up about your failure to convince them otherwise. That was never really your job to do in the first place!
Well said. Amen!