Two Questions Behind the Questions:

1. “Did you deserve the abandonment or being cheated on?”

2. “Did you learn your “lesson(s)” from being cheated on/divorced?”

What a messed up world we live in where Christians are given a free pass to probe a soul rape victim with questions about what he or she has learned from the assault on their souls?

This is what I experienced in defending my minister’s license. The expectation being that I had learned important things from my traumatic experience.

To be clear, I do believe we can learn from any experience–including awful ones, maybe especially. However, I really question the godliness of such a focus with adultery victims.

-Would we ever really put a widower pastor in front of a panel of pastors questioning him about what lessons he has learned from his wife’s death?

-Would we expect him to humbly assure them of the Lessons he learned as the price of their support of him?

And that is just the second question behind the question. The first question behind the questions is similarly insensitive and obtuse.

Deserving?

The truth is that no one deserves to be cheated upon and have their soul raped by their spouse. Circumstances in the marriage are really irrelevant.

Nothing justifies committing adultery!

Now, most Christians do not come out directly with the two questions behind the questions.

However, they might probe a man about how “emotionally available” he was to his unfaithful wife. They might ask a woman whether or not she was sexually frigid.

Such probes are really seeking the answer to the question of whether or not the faithful spouse “deserved it.”

They are insensitive. And the break the Golden Rule as I doubt those who ask those questions would like the same sort of judgy-questioning if they found themselves in similar circumstances.

Knowing these are the questions behind the questions, you are now armed to decide how or if you engage with them. Maybe they need a blunt reframe and reminder that they are asking such awful things?! Just a thought.

 

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*A version of this post ran previously.