Last Friday, The Washington Post ran an article addressing five myths regarding marriage.
The article is entitled, “Five Myths About Marriage” and is written by John Gottman and Christopher Dollard.
For those who are unaware, the Gottmans are relationship research experts due to their very thorough longitudinal scientific study of relationships. They are giants in the literature as it comes to developing and maintaining healthy relationships.
You can ask pretty much any academically trained psychologist or therapist, and they will recognize the name.
Back to the WaPo article, I am not going to dig into each of the myths mentioned.
Rather, I want to focus on the so called myth number four. Quoting from the article:
“MYTH NO. 4Affairs are the main cause of divorce.…In their clinical work, John and Julie Gottman learned that partners who have affairs are usually driven to them not because of a forbidden attraction but because of loneliness. There were already serious, if subtle, problems in the marriage before the affair occurred.”
This sort of drivel drives me nuts!
If spousal loneliness is such a major cause of affairs, why do otherwise lonely faithful spouses not cheat? Logically, they should be “driven” to cheat as well.
The reason lonely faithful spouses do not cheat is they understand cheating is NEVER an acceptable option even if one is lonely!
I am bother by this article because it really furthers victim-blaming in our culture and churches as pastors listen to Gottman as an authority. Sadly, those same pastors and Christian counselors fail to apply basic critical thinking skills to such conclusions from Gottman.
They prefer the narrative–for whatever reason–that cheaters are driven to the sins of affairs than the biblical narrative that cheaters are active agents choosing sin. Cheaters are not the victims of marriage “loneliness” driving them to sin.
The other part that bothers me by this sort of answer in the article is how it underestimates the damage of affairs. The marriage might have been sick before the affair; however, that does not mean the underlying sickness killed it.
We still consider a gun man who shoots a cancer patient dead responsible for murder even though his victim had terminal cancer.
Sure, many marriages might be lonely prior to the affair. At best, that is correlated to infidelity and divorce. Calling it a cause or identifying it as what “drives” people to cheat is adding causation to correlation. Loneliness does not cause adultery.
God is clear on what causes adultery:
Sinners choosing sin.
The Ten Commandments do not include an injunction against allowing loneliness in one’s marriage. However, they do include an injunction against committing adultery (see Exodus 20:14).
It makes no sense for God to include such a command against committing adultery if cheaters are such slaves to marriage circumstances as the worldly wisdom of Gottman suggests.
My recommendation is to recognize such worldly wisdom and reject it in light of God’s wisdom: Affairs and divorce are not caused by circumstances but by actors making choices.
It is past time we stop blaming faithful spouses or marriage circumstances for the sins of cheaters!
I think that you are both correct.
Infidelity is directly related to happiness in marriage. I don’t have data on this, but I don’t think too many people who describe their marriage as happy commit adultery. I think the real issue is what people who feel unhappy in their marriage do about it.
Do they give into the temptation of sexual sin or are they willing to humble themselves, seek help, and do hard work? If reasonable attempts fail, will they do their part to end the marriage honorably?
Actually, Loren, research shows that 56% of unfaithful husbands and 34% of unfaithful wives characterize their marriages as “happy” at the time of their extramarital intercourse. [Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1992). Justifications for extramarital relationships: The association between attitudes, behaviors, and gender. Journal of sex Research, 29(3), 361-387.]
Marital dissatisfaction is the most common justification for affairs simply because it’s far easier for adulterers to deflect blame and thereby maintain their image than it is to admit they acted against the moral norms of society. So in order to avoid being seen as entitled liars and cheats, they manipulate their betrayed spouses and others into believing that the circumstances of their marriage *caused* them to be unfaithful. Again, research shows this is true regardless of whether or not they would characterize their marriage as “happy.”
An analogy I’ve seen DM use is this: if a person robbed a bank because the door to the safe was unlocked, would that make their theft any less wrong? Obviously not. And yet this is what adulterers would have us believe, that the marital satisfaction safe was unlocked (even if it wasn’t) and therefore they should be off the hook for their actions.
Even though their argument doesn’t stand under logical scrutiny, it still feels like there’s a ring of truth to it because telling semi-convincing lies that prey upon people’s insecurities is what Satan does best. Betrayed spouses are often all too willing to accept blame for “their part in causing the affair” because they hope to feel a measure of control over such a traumatic experience. Similarly, others are often willing to accept the adulterers’ argument of marital dissatisfaction because it enables them to feel protected from experiencing betrayal if they can just keep their own marriages “happy.”
Don’t drink the manipulation kool-aid, Loren. DM is right. God doesn’t make an exception for bank robbers who claim the security was lacking, and he doesn’t make an exception for adulterers who claim their marriage was lacking, either.
Hopeful,
Oh, I was handed a tall glass of the Kool-Aid, but I didn’t drink it.
Every marriage has problems, bumps or rough spots. But that never causes adultery. That is a choice that the perpetrater makes for themselves. No argument from me. I make that point to others all the time.
As to your statistics, would it be possible to find a group more likely to lie about their motives than adulterers? Nothing that they say should be given any creedence.
Ever.
My point is that there is a corelation between adultery and percieved happiness in marriage, but that the victim is not responsible for the adulterer’s choices with that disaffection.
In recent school shootings, shooters were frequently described as “bullied” at school. (In reality some were more accurately seen as entitled stalkers) Does this in any way diminish the shooters responsibility for their heinous acts? I don’t think so. Plenty of kids feel mistreated at school, but most seek help instead of an AR-15.
A person who blames cheating on loneliness would probably be someone not prioritizing or engaging with the family & marriage relationship.
Dr Phil mentioned once that the person who engages in adultery is someone who is not invested in their family or marriage.
For X it was all about him.
His happiness = self-gratification & adoration
That kind of “happiness” is hard to maintain, unhealthy & unrealistic. Marriage is not responsible for that!