Cheater-Speak: “What went wrong between us?”


Cheater: “What went wrong between us?”

Faithful Spouse: “That’s obvious: The bar trash you were banging is ‘what went wrong between us.'”

The cheater-requested marriage autopsy:

“What went wrong between us?”

When adultery has occurred along the path to divorce, what ended the marriage ought not to be a mystery to any Bible-literate individual. God says adultery or–more broadly–sexual infidelity ends marriages (e.g. Deut. 22:22, Lev. 20:10, Jer. 3:8, Mt. 1:19, Mt. 19:9, etc.)

Generally speaking, a cheating ex-spouse asking this does not lack insight in these matters. He or she lacks humility and a willingness to repent accepting full responsibility for his/her sins.

Simply stated:

This sort of question is a fishing expedition being used by a cheater to get the faithful spouse to take blame and responsibility for the cheater’s own sin. Don’t fall for it.

Pastors or other Christian leaders asking this question to adultery survivors are on similarly shaky grounds. They are dangerously close to suggesting the faithful spouse is partially to blame for the marriage ending sin–i.e. the adultery. By the way, that is a lie from the pit of Hell!

Asking spouses how they could have been better spouses in the now defunct marriages is different from asking them essentially what part of their behavior sinfully destroyed the marriage. Personal insight into how we relate to one another is useful. However, I would be highly suspicious of the pastor if he or she is only asking this of a divorced individuals.

Just because a faithful spouse is divorced does not necessarily mean he or she is a worse partner–morally or socially speaking–than someone else! That includes the married pastor and/or Christian leader asking. To assume otherwise is to assume the faithful spouse brought the infidelity upon himself or herself by their “deficient” spousal behavior. That is both insulting and Biblically inaccurate.

We do not cause other people to sin. It is what is inside the individual that causes him or to sin (e.g. Mark 7:21).

What went wrong in a marriage ravaged by adultery is not a mystery. What is a mystery is why people refuse to accept God’s clear teaching on the matter that adultery alone is marriage ending.

Oh, that’s right. That isn’t a mystery either.

Like the Israelites of old, we are prone to be a slow, stubborn, and rebellious people who think we know better than God.