“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own?”
-Matthew 7:3, NLT
One of the many things that bothered me in my ecclesiastical trial was how little many of the pastors cared about holding my ex-wife responsible for committing adultery. Rebuking her or even voicing the biblical truth about the danger to her soul seemed out of the question. But they were more than happy to dig into the minutiae of my life to discover even the slightest of faults.
The phenomenon seems to be common one from what I have learned with others who have discovered an unfaithful spouse:
Namely, pastors and Christian counselors spend inordinate amounts of time diagnosing the speck in the faithful spouse’s eye while ignoring the plank–labelled adultery–protruding from the cheater’s.
Having been on the receiving end of this, I can tell you how infuriating it is. This is precisely what not taking adultery seriously is!
When counselors or pastors talk about everything around or but the infidelity, then those words communicate clearly how unimportant these individuals view marital infidelity. They effectively communicate that the infidelity is less of an issue than all these other things whatever those things are. It is the proverbial “fiddling while Rome burns” sort of phenomenon.
This is not to say faithful spouses are perfect. We all have flaws and failings. However, focusing on those flaws and failings while interacting with the cheating spouse in regards to the marriage is another way of saying the faithful spouse “had it [i.e. the cheating and/or abandonment] coming to him/her.” That is blame-shifting. And it is a lie!
Remove the plank first, for crying out loud!
It’s the one labelled “Adultery” or “Emotional Affair” in bold letters. Sure, at some point, the speck might need attention. However, that time is not while the cheater is beating his/her spouse with the “Adultery” plank.
Enough with the fascination with the faithful spouse’s flaws!