It is okay to “fire” your pastor.

 And the people of Berea were more open-minded than those in Thessalonica, and they listened eagerly to Paul’s message. They searched the Scriptures day after day to see if Paul and Silas were teaching the truth.

-Acts 17:11, NLT


Maybe you are like me and find it difficult to say no to an authority figure? Maybe not so much?

I am writing to those who struggle with walking away from unhelpful authority figures. In particular, I am encouraging faithful spouses to walk away from pastors who are not supportive or are damaging in their take on adultery/infidelity.

That is what I mean by “firing” your pastor.

In other words, I am encouraging you to exercise your discernment muscles. Even the Apostle Paul was not above such scrutiny as we see in Acts 17:11!

Pastors are fallible. We make mistakes. Some of us take awful and unbiblical stances.

My encouragement to faithful spouses is to look for a faith community that is supportive and takes adultery seriously, which includes not blaming victims. If a pastor is actively supporting “The Shared Responsibility Lie”, I would encourage finding another pastor and church.

It is okay to walk away from a pastor, church, or even denomination that is hurtful and unwilling to change.

I’ve done this on all three accounts.

However, do not mistake the failings of “man” for God’s mind on your situation. God does not blame you for being an adultery victim (see Ezekiel 18:20). And God does not hold you responsible for your spouse’s sin at all (e.g. Mark 7:20-23). Further, God does not shame you for choosing or being divorced following adultery either. After all, He chose divorce under similar circumstances Himself! (see Jeremiah 3:8 and Mt. 19:9).

Do not give up on God.

You just may have to “fire” your current pastor in order to create a necessary vacancy for a pastor truly led by the Holy Spirit.

6 thoughts on “It is okay to “fire” your pastor.”

  1. I agree with you about firing your pastor if they are unsupportive of you as a victim of adultery. But I do believe a pastor can be led by the Holy Spirit in one area and still be not hearing the Spirit in another. Take for example famous preachers who supported slavery, while at the same time having fruitful ministries in other areas of their ministry.
    That said, leaving an unsupportive/abusive pastor is often the BEST thing you can do. If they cannot support you, LEAVE.

    1. Agreed. Rarely is anyone purely one way or another. I even thought about putting that qualifier in the post. As you get, the important idea for faithful spouses is that they are following the Holy Spirit on divorce and adultery issues.

  2. I fired my denomination. The association my pastor ex-spouse was in actually punished him but the association his affair partner pastor was in didn’t do anything to her. But an additional betrayal of the denomination was that no one ever checked on me after I discovered the affair. Not a single pastor, not a single member of a congregation, not the association minister – no one. I felt, and still feel, that i am an embarrassment.

    1. That is awful…sorry to hear how poorly they failed you, Bepositive. Very sad. I hope you DO find a church/denomination home that values you and sees you for the asset that you are!

  3. I can relate to your testimony as a pastor who was the victim. I resigned the pastorate and have found several pastors locally who support me continuing in ministry on an associate level. I also am a hospice chaplain and a piano teacher as I try to bounce back from all this. I am remarried to a godly lady who is a gift from God. Thank you for your ministry through this site!

    1. Welcome to DM! Glad to hear that you have a supportive group of pastors in your area. Sounds like you landed on your feet. Way to go!! That is not easy with this stuff. Thanks for the kind words and feedback…it’s nice to know the website is having a positive impact!

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