Like a club or a sword or a sharp arrow
is one who gives false testimony against a neighbor.Proverbs 25:18, NIV
The lies.
Lies attacking the faithful spouse’s character.
Lies designed to destroy worth and humiliate.
Lies hiding the true marital history.
Lies manipulating counselors/pastors against the faithful spouse.
Lies
Lies.
Lies.
They are truly like sword wounds to the soul as this Proverb suggests. And I believe they can leave wounds long after the divorce is done and the adulterous spouse is far away. It is hard to heal these wounds without the salve of truth.
Some may say it is impossible.
Often times, I hear and experienced a desire to move quickly past the truth concerning the occurrence of adultery. It is treated like a symptom. Some truth and wisdom resides in such approaches, but they are spiked with lies.
It is truth that the problem is deeper than one sexual act (see post here). While it is utterly devastating to learn one’s spouse has had sex with another person, I think the lies surrounding this act are usually far more numerous and problematic. At least with the sexual violation, it is done.
Lies can continue to cause damage as they twist in one’s soul until removed with truth.
They shatter our sense of selves and our own stories.
And they do not just impact the faithful spouse. If a loved one is violated by adultery, the caring outsider is left wondering and second-guessing his/her discernment abilities. You see, the lies surrounding adultery traumatize more than just the faithful spouse.
Sometimes the hardest work is breaking down the lies the adulterous spouse and their supporters seeded into your heart to “justify” their sin. They may have had months if not years of doing this without being challenged. So, the roots may be deep even if they lies seem ridiculous to an outsider. It is hard work to root out such slander.
Then the question about what happened in one’s life remains: Was she always cheating on me for our entire marriage? Did he really have to stay late for work or was he hooking up with someone? Was she really just hanging out with the girls or was she messing around with guys at the bars?
Faithful spouses may never have solid answers to such questions. However, they can know what they brought to the table. They gave their heart and their fidelity. Now, they can move forward morally intact while their adulterous spouse cannot–apart from true repentance.
Adultery hurts.
It is soul rape.
But the lies can fester and destroy.
This is why it is important to speak the truth about what happened. My first marriage ended with my former spouse’s choice to commit adultery and refusal to repent. Anything less gives the lies room to breath and fester.
It may seem brutal to outsiders to share such blunt truth when asked about one’s marriage ending.
But it is necessary.
To do anything less is to allow the evil to win.
Speak the truth.
Share your story.
Do not give Satan a foothold with the lies he has seeded into your heart.
I divorced because of my husband’s infidelity and lack of repentance. The divorce was final over a year and a half ago. We separated over 3 years ago. I thought I would be in a better place by now. I am no longer the happy, outgoing, confident person I used to be. I feel like I’m constantly putting on an act that everything is okay for my children’s sake. I want to feel like myself again. I want peace and joy again. I pray in the morning, at night, and throughout the day. I don’t know what else to do.
KK,
Do you have anyone you can share your story with in all its messiness without judgment/condemnation? A good therapist might be helpful for that. Divorce Care is a great group that might be able to help you process things as well. Being surrounded by people who know the pain of divorce (and often discovering infidelity) can really help as I discovered.
God gave us the Church to help us in this time (when it is acting like He meant it to). We often need flesh and blood people who will embody His compassion and empathy. Prayer is good, but we often need community to walk through such wounds. Someone to listen is so important to help us through such hard times. My hope for you is that you find a place where you can share your heart and honestly share your pain. Sounds like you feel like you need to stuff it all for your kids’ sake.
Hugs,
DM
I’ve heard of Divorce Care and will look into it. Thank you for the kind words and suggestions, DM.
DM, this is a great post, because this is what I still struggle with years later – “Sometimes the hardest work is breaking down the lies the adulterous spouse and their supporters seeded into your heart to “justify” their sin.” I’m seeing a Christian counselor, but though I feel like the wound of the betrayal of the affair has healed, I sometimes feel like the hateful things he said about me to me to justify his behavior has seeded into my heart and it’s hard to overcome. Maybe that could be something for a future post for you, as every Chump I know has told me similar stories of just downright hateful and abusive things they were told by their Cheaters to justify their behavior and that those were the words that kept them up at night.
Kira and KK- I have been haunted by the hateful and abusive lies my husband told about me and I have felt stuck in sadness and anger and wonder if I’ll ever be happy again. I wanted to share with you 4 things that have helped me the most. I have 2 or 3 friends that let me talk about those feelings over and over and over again and I am finally processing through them. Second, I have started doing EMDR with my Christian counselor and it has been amazingly healing just after two sessions. Third, I read, read, read things that remind me that those things my husband said were not true and his actions are strictly about his shortcomings, not mine. The most recent book I’m reading is Rejection Exposed recommended by DM. All those whispers of rejection that you are constantly experiencing is Satan trying to convince you that you are not good enough. Satan probably saw you as too tough to conquer in traditional ways, so he decided to try to defeat you through an unfaithful spouse. Don’t listen to him. You are precious and God’s treasure. Lastly, I have rid my life of people who are doubters, bad advisers, mean or just jerks about what I’ve gone through. I don’t care if that gets rid of 50% of the people I know, I deserve better and so do you. These things have lead to days where I feel like I’m going to be OK and I have many days where I feel happiness or joy! God is good! My prayers are with you.
I have some difficult truths I have discovered that need sharing. Their disclosure has been traumatic to me, the burden intolerable and the knowledge makes me complicit in the acts. I know I must. Share these truths and will pray for strength and that those innocent who will be hurt by the knowledge.
Until then I will try and grasp the nettle of letting people know the truth or more of the truth,. I know lies are being told, and I must break the silence for the sake of others who need to know the truth. I am working on it . I may need to wait unti my divorce is finalized, it is taking so long and I need to be safe and free.
Lies are weapons truly
Nell,
Make sure you are in a safe place to share when you do–physically and otherwise. And I recommend only sharing when there is a natural opening. No buying billboards, so to speak 😉
That said, I think it is vital we have people we can share our broken hearts and stories with while not being condemned. And I think it is important we speak the truth if confronted by prejudice/bigotry over a divorce.
-DM
Thank the Lord someone finally gave me the link to this blog! My husband had his second emotional affair nearly 10 months ago. After the first EA, we only went to counseling 4 times. We were so young and because of our conflicting work and school schedules, I rationalized how he could have succumbed to such a horrible mistake. I looked inward to see how any of my actions could have contributed to such a tragedy. He was incredibly remorseful and vowed to never do it again. I believed him, completely forgave him, and never held it over his head again (truly!). We went on to have two children and when our second was only 7 months old (5 years post 1st EA), my husband began another one. This time the circumstances were much different and much more vulgar and hurtful. Thankfully it was very short lived as I knew the signs of infidelity by now and caught on pretty quickly. My husband was in such a fog and told me, “I don’t love you and don’t think I ever really have”. He left me that night with the intention that he would probably end up with the other woman and he and I would divorce. I was utterly devastated. I begged for him to come back. His family got involved and he came back the next day. He also confessed to me that he had been struggling with pornography again. This time we went to a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) and through some intense counseling and reading different literature, my husband started to come out of his “fog” all on his own which was amazing to see. I was so impressed which made me want to work on our marriage even more. Come to a place of forgiveness even more.
Long story short, he has relapsed twice during our time in recovery and therapy (not an actual affair but they self gratification, outside of the marital bed) and I’ve reached a point now where I am ok if our marriage ends. I thought I would have support in this from my church family because the Bible strictly says that adultery and sexual immorality is biblical grounds for divorce. Unfortunately, I have been left to feel alone and judged. It seems like they look at my husband as someone who is courageous and has a powerful testimony (he repented, after all!!) and I am looked at as the unforgiving, bitter wife who is going to wreck everyone’s lives if I follow through with a divorce. To me, a REAL repentance is a true abstinence from a sinful behavior. I get that my husband is an addict and that takes on a whole new terriotry, however, his addiction is life altering and possibly life threatening for me (should he continue to act out and progress to physical affairs or other criminal activity that sex addicts are known to progress to). The truth is, I’m scared of my husband. I don’t know what he is really capable of. It kind of seems this whole “repentance” thing is just an act or something. Perhaps I am being too harsh myself. My point is, my church has offered me ZERO support in the entire 10 months we have vocalized our issues. Our pastoral staff does not seem remotely interested to guide us through this awful disease and acts of infidelity. We are just expected to figure it out and that I keep it together. That “anything is possible with God” or “just pray about it”. I’m certainly not denying those things aren’t true, however, I believe God expects us to do the hard work and demands us to repent. If my husband is not truly repenting or using the tools and plans he has in place from our therapist and his accountability partner then that isn’t true repentance at all.
Anyway, sorry for the long post. Just glad I can finally have some reassurance that I’m not this awful person should our marriage end in divorce.
Two Affairs,
That is truly awful. I wonder how the church would respond if you had shown up with a black eye as opposed to “just” been cheated on again. Bet they would have been more supportive of you with that sort of abuse!
Glad you found your way here!
May God give you strength, comfort, and peace as you walk through these valleys!
-DM