She said she would would never cheat on me. No matter how difficult the marriage became, we were (supposedly) committed to each other. Cheating was not on the table. You see this is what makes infidelity so hard to believe. Cheating flies in the face of explicit promises made by the faithful spouse–husband or wife. … Continue reading “She said she would never….”
Category: Trauma of adultery
Practical advice for healing and finding peace
“…and the truth shall make you free.” -John 8:32b, KJV Two Practical Strategies for Peace* When I was recovering from my divorce from my cheater, two particular strategies helped me the most. 1. Identify the “handles,” “triggers,” or otherwise unwanted labels/identities that you vehemently are trying to avoid. An effective manipulator is able to hone … Continue reading “Practical advice for healing and finding peace”
Conversation as domination
“We NEVER talk!” cries the cheater (in a conversation with their spouse). Cheaters say one thing and really mean another. The arguments they fight with faithful spouses are less about what they say and more about domination. It is not that faithful spouses will not talk but rather faithful spouses do not agree with what the cheater … Continue reading “Conversation as domination”
Panic and Anxiety
One of the many difficulties of dealing with a cheater is how they induce panic and anxiety in us. I can remember feeling such panic and anxiety during each interaction with my cheater. Maybe it is just me?! But I doubt it. This fear and panic comes from all the nasty surprises one gets in … Continue reading “Panic and Anxiety”
Revenge cheating. Just don’t!
These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death. -James 1:15, NLT Responding to cheating by cheating is wrong. Now, I understand the impulse. It feels like justice. However, it is definitely NOT justice! Revenge cheating is sin. Please, don’t do it. I know some … Continue reading “Revenge cheating. Just don’t!”
Forgiveness “Concern” Versus Repentance “Concern”
…and if you see him going the wrong direction, cry out and correct him. If there is true repentance on his part, forgive him. -Luke 17:3, TPT I wonder if you have experienced versions of these questions or statements. They usually come from well-meaning (but emotionally and biblically tone-deaf) Christians: “So, have you forgiven her?” … Continue reading “Forgiveness “Concern” Versus Repentance “Concern””
Why hast Thou forsaken me?
“My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” -Matthew 27:46b, KJV When I was struggling the most, these words from Jesus brought me the greatest comfort. They were reminders to me that God understood the pain and suffering that I was enduring. He could relate. Jesus understands what it meant to suffer unjustly. Jesus understands … Continue reading “Why hast Thou forsaken me?”
Telling the story
Telling the story of what happened is important if we want to change how people treat faithful spouses. The larger narrative starts to change when people learn that their friend, colleague, or even family member was mistreated by a cheater. It changes because they are emotionally invested in you and your hurts matter to them. … Continue reading “Telling the story”
Easier to blame than repent and do the self work
But let man and beast be covered with sackcloth, and cry mightily unto God: yea, let them turn every one from his evil way, and from the violence that is in their hands. -Jonah 3:8, KJV Let’s be honest: Repenting and facing one’s “demons” is hard work! This is why I think it is rarely done. The … Continue reading “Easier to blame than repent and do the self work”
Eternal Destination of Unrepentant Adulterous Spouses
26 If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, 27 but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. -Hebrews 10:26-27, NIV Do I think unrepentant adulterous spouses are going to Hell? I would answer you with a question: … Continue reading “Eternal Destination of Unrepentant Adulterous Spouses”