“Let’s say, for example, there’s a daughter, and she’s got a close relationship with her covenant head Christian dad. That headship protects her from other boys who want to come along and be her head, tell her what to do, set an identity for her, abuse her, endanger her. It protects her from other young men who would come to take that place of headship in her life.”
– Mark Driscoll, Sermon: “Men and Marriage.”
Do you catch the implications of this statement?
The implication of this “benign” father is that he is standing in for the future husband who will legitimately fulfill the role of his daughter’s “head” (see Ephesians 5:22ff).
That role apparently includes:
1. Telling a wife what to do.
2. Setting an identity for her.
3. Protecting her from abuse and danger.
I can tell you as a father of a daughter that I am not raising my daughter to passively fill such a role as a woman.
I can tell you as a pastor that I find this sort of teaching horrifying and legitimately open to all the harshest criticisms of those who object to the abuses of patriarchy.
Personally, I have a very painful and personal experience with fallout from this awful pastoral teaching from Mark Driscoll.
Such a teaching encourages fathers to interfere in their daughters’ relationships and further fails to teach such daughters important agency-responsibility lessons.
I saw this in action with my situation.
When my marriage was on the rocks, my parents communicated to my (now former) in-laws that the godly response to the marriage troubles was to serve us strictly as advisers when invited.
[To be clear, this communication came on the heals of my (former) father-in-law trying to engage my parents in my marriage. My parents are wise enough to know that playing marriage police in their children’s marriages is a recipe for disaster.]
My (former) father-in-law and (former) mother-in-law ignored these instructions in non-interference from my godly parents.
Instead, they fell back upon things they had learned from their pastor, Mark Driscoll, who was then the lead pastor at Mars Hill Church.
My (former) father-in-law embolden by the above quoted teaching decided it was his “Christian” and “manly” duty to get involved in his daughter’s marriage.
So…
-I was on the receiving end of an uninvited “man up” speech from him.
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-I subsequently received a Mars Hill Church-style “correction plan” from him–including comments on his daughter’s sex life with me, her husband (another learned behavior from MHC)–because I believe he thought this was his Christian duty as a father.
Admittedly, not everyone will take Mark Driscoll’s teaching on this matter to that extreme.
(Also, Driscoll does warn against parental interference in their children’s marriages. Clearly, that was ignored by my former in-laws).
That said, my issue with this sort of “headship” teaching is how easily it lends itself to sort of abuses I experienced. It emboldens ungodly and unhealthy behavior by suggesting Christian men are to play such a controlling role in the lives of “their” women folk.
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It lends itself to undermining female agency and responsibility. If the father or husband is such a “head,” then whatever the daughter or wife does is really the fault and responsibility of the father or husband.
This is antithetical to basic moral responsibility taught throughout the Bible where God calls each one of us to give account for our own actions before Him (e.g. 2 Corinthians 5:10).
For that reason alone, we ought to reject this sort of teaching as missing the mark 😉 It is not sound doctrine.
For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad. – 2 Corinthians 5:10, NIV
Women, I assure you that Jesus will not be looking to your father or husband for an explanation for your sinful actions on that day of judgment. You alone must bear responsibility for your own actions.
Though my former Pastor would deny any similarity to that of Driscoll, it was this very attitude that kept me in a confused state when my now ex-husband admitted to 8 years adultery. The marriage ceased to be between myself and my husband instead morphing into some weird triangular scenario between the church leadership and him and then between them and me. We ceased to speak to each other directly, and they would only speak to me if it was two of them and me by myself. I was constantly advised not to make any decisions on the future of my marriage as they had hope for our marriage and believed they could restore him. I was told constantly that they had seen far worse than what I was facing and the wife had stuck it out and now her marriage was better than ever. I was told I needed to forgive even if it was a cold-blooded decision and that I was not to tell anyone as such things should remain between the husband and the wife. Their attitude nearly broke me as they never once asked why I wanted divorce or confirmed what was being said to me by him when away from them. He instantly went the I have confessed it, it is now in my past, no one needs to know and you are just being abusive by bringing it up route. ENTITLEMENT! was all I got. He believed he was entitled to our marriage, and while he played nice with church elders undergoing disciplinary actions, I was to submit to the elders as the head of my home. It was mentioned many times that by putting him out I had left us ( me and the kids) uncovered. This concept was reinforced when our daughter was diagnosed with cancer a month after his confession. The Pastor one day went as far as to raise his voice to me in the hospital corridor when he heard me reference my marriage being over to his wife. When I asked when could I say my marriage was over he stated “when I tell you” this was recanted later and when I mentioned to the wife of the elder that he had yelled at me I was told no he had not, he had only spoken to me as a father would talk to a daughter. My father is deceased and this particular Pastor has no children in the natural but I knew enough to recognise that the treatment I was receiving was not loving or Christ-like. The relationship with my now ex-husband is non-existent. By refusing to submit and finding shelter in another church as my cheating husband was brought back into fellowship two months after confession and I was just to accept it. I was seen as the breaker of our marriage vows. The Pastor to this day has never come to me nor have the elders of the church to even ask what my thinking was behind my seeking divorce over reconciliation. They had an agenda and that was it. I chose freedom over control and do not regret my decisions. It just saddens me I am not unique in this as it happens often.