We never…
…talk about our finances.
Answer: “Then what was that three hour session we had planning how to do a short-sale of our place?”
…have sex.
Answer: “Then what was that we were doing last Sunday afternoon together?”
…do anything fun.
Answer: “Then why were you smiling last Saturday clearly enjoying our trip together to the City?”
I could go on and perhaps you have your own example, but I think you get the picture. This demonic ploy is designed to curry pity for the “poor” adulterous spouse. They look SOO “reasonable” compared to the “stingy” faithful spouse.
Of course, they cheated!
Look what they had to deal with at home!
It is a subtle blame-shift.
And to be clear:
Absolutely nothing justifies committing adultery in God’s eyes!
Besides, I suspect many of these “We never…” statements are not actually true. Cheaters often exaggerate such matters. Cheaters need to exaggerate them in order to make themselves look like the victim, because it takes some strong stuff–sometimes–to distract people from the truth that they are the real, soul-raping victimizer.
They are playing the martyr.
In reality, the cheaters are the unreasonable ones. However, they attempt to project their unreasonableness onto the faithful spouse characterizing them as the uncompromising partner when that is far from the truth.
And another possibility may be at play with such “we never…” communications. I am convinced that my ex said such things because she did not get her way. In other words–for example–cheaters say, “We never have sex” while really meaning that “We do not have sex as often as the cheater wants it.”
They are angry because they are unable to completely dominate and control the faithful spouse.
It is just a slightly more sophisticated terrible-two’s tantrum.
They are not in complete control.
And they hate that.
Finally, it may be a combination of both these motivations. They may both want to play the martyr and are throwing tantrum over not getting their way.
Regardless, a wise pastor (and faithful spouse) recognizes reality and is not taken in by this cheater-speak.
I would say most of my marital problems with my cheater was over the fact that she wasn’t getting what she wanted. She couldn’t hangout with her friend who smokes pot. She couldn’t smoke pot herself, even though she did behind my back. She couldn’t go out for drinks when it was the end of the month and our dining out budget was running low. She couldn’t go to parties where she could run into her ex. And she would blame-shift it all on me by saying I was controlling her. Well, if I had any control over her she wouldn’t have cheated on me and took off with her AP.
I just kept her accountable. And cheaters hate that because they want to live by a different set of rules than they hold you to.
Exactly…special people with their special rules 😉
“They are angry because they are unable to completely dominate and control the faithful spouse.”
That was so much of my ex’s problem, DM. Such boiling resentment but so hidden for so very long.
This notion of “Cheater-speak,” is powerful one can sadly imagine years of recovery from the trauma of lies of manipulation and Gaslighting. Betrayed partners forced navigating the shroud of secrets unaware of reality and facts. As one person said it was as if, “I myself was MISSING in action, inside a war that I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I was involved.” The cruelty is stunning.
In his book “Lying,” author Sam Harris states
“Suspicion often grows on BOTH sides of a lie: Research indicates that liars trust those they deceive less than they otherwise might – and the more damaging their lies, the less they trust, or even like, their victims. It seems projecting their egos and interpreting their own behavior as justified, liars tend to depreciate the people they lie to. p34
There are no good “reasons.” Because, Because, Because, For me it is narcissism and entitlement and these people would be “King of the ashes.”