Dear DM, I am cheating with my pastor.

Dear Divorce Minister,

Please I need help,I’ve been having extra marital affair with my pastor,we’ve been seeing each other consistently, we tried so stay away from each other after some time will be in contact again, I suggested that
I should leave his church he’s literally refusing, I tried to find a job away from him he said he’s not going to bless me,my worry is I’m also married with 3 kids we all fellowships at the same church, I wanted to tell my husband ,the pastor is refusing he said he doesn’t want to loss us,will rather try hard to stop our relationship, this has affected me so badly I see myself as a failure and u can’t be trusted the worse part I’m being emotionally attached to the pastor, when I see him I just become week [sic].

What if this has come out ,you’ll never know,even though we both agreed
that we won’t tell anyone, and not even counselling, but right now things
are getting out of hands, if I want to leave the church what am I going to
tell my husband ,to make matter worse the pastor wants to ordain us as
Elders in his church, but I told him that he shouldn’t do that, as we still
struggling with this issues,

Currently there’s so much that I know about his private life besides being
a pastor, am I covered spiritually he’s suppose to be my spiritual father
not my lover.

Will appreciate your honest feedback, right now I just want to go away from him, I’m being obsessed with him.


Dear Stuck-On-Pastor (SOP),

What you wrote suggests to me that you already know what you need to do:


You wrote,

I suggested that I should leave his church he’s literally refusing.

He clearly likes having an affair with you. Of course, he is not going to want you to leave while he has this power over you.

And it sounds like you do have the power to leave from what you wrote later in the letter:

…if I want to leave the church what am I going to tell my husband…

This suggests to me that your staying has more to do with your unwillingness to face the consequences of this sin by telling your husband than the pastor “refusing” to “let” you leave.

You wrote,

I wanted to tell my husband ,the pastor is refusing he said he doesn’t want to loss [sic] us….

This more about both of you avoiding consequences than doing the right, yet difficult thing. Your husband deserves to know what has happened!

SOP, how would you feel if it was your husband being similarly involved with a female minister?!

Withholding this information from your husband is wrong. It is compounding the gross injustices for your husband.

However, I would like to point out something very important before you–hopefully–do tell your husband about the affair.

You wrote,

….he’s suppose to be my spiritual father not my lover.

A pastor having a sexual relationship with a congregant is an abuse of his position as a pastor. It is like a boss having sex with a married subordinate. Your pastor is abusing his position to use you.

This is very apparent especially in the language you use to describe how he responds to you making plans to end the affair and tell your husband.

You mention how he refuses to bless you [do you really need or want a blessing from such an adulterous predator?!], refuses to allow you to leave his church, refuses to let you tell your husband about the affair, and then tries to [bribe] you with ordination.

This pastor sounds like a master manipulator.

If he is part of a reputable denomination with an accountability system, this pastor needs to be reported. He should not be in the pastorate. This sort of predator needs to be removed from such a position, IMO.

I know the path forward is not going to be easy. Sin is pleasurable in the moment but ultimately leaves us hurting and unsatisfied. You already know that all too well.

End the affair. Tell your husband. Leave the church. And report the pastor, if appropriate.

It is that simple. And yet, it is also that hard. I pray God will give you the moral courage to do the right things and return to the path of godliness.


Pastor David (aka Divorce Minister)

1 thought on “Dear DM, I am cheating with my pastor.”

  1. Your husband MORE than deserves to know!! He has the God given right to know because he has a choice to make as his adulterous wife has broken the marriage covenant!
    Not telling him & withholding information is putting yourself ABOVE God. God gives all of us the ability & right to reason & make choices. You chose to sin against God, husband, pastor’s wife,….You do not have the right to withhold this information from them – that would be taking the free will that God gave them away!
    Would you choose to stay with an unfaithful adulterous spouse? I think not. You did not even choose to remain faithful & keep your marriages bed pure.

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