Mailbag: He blames me for all of it

Waiting on God wrote,

I myself am a pastors wife for the past 17 years, and my husband was very love by the congregation because he was so loving to everyone. But little did they know that he was bipolar and was abusive and jealous on me. I have been faithful for the whole 28 years of our marriage. But I stayed for the sake of the church not to hurt our beloved congregation. But one day his sinful ways caught up with him. The Lord told me to stay because he had good plans for us but my husband refused to be the led by the Holy Spirit. He eventually got caught in a emotional affair that he had on his phone. Which I found out was a rebound from a emotional affair he had with his ex-wife for three months on the phone he said she was dying with cancer but he never told me anything about it until he got caught with the rebound. The reason for the rebound is because it was too painful for him about his ex-wife dying. I realized that he was in love with her still. This eventually brought him to confess several other emotional Affairs in the past and now I’m finding it very hard to stay with him we have lost the Church due to his affairs. And the worst part is he blames me for all of it I don’t think I can live with this any longer it’s been 9 months since we lost everything and he constantly blames me because I didn’t give him enough attention. And I also found out he was addicted to p*** for a long time. How can I know if God will allow me to leave.

Dear Waiting on God,

First, my heart goes out to you. That is a lot to handle! So much loss. So much injustice to suffer.

Please establish in your heart and mind that you are in NO WAY responsible for your husband’s sins or their consequences.

When he starts to blame you, feel free to either walk away or remind him that he is responsible for his own sins and their consequences (see 2 Corinthians 5:10).

Also, I have serious doubts these were “only” emotional affairs. He has had a pattern both of having more than one emotional affair as well as having a porn addiction (along with all the lies and deception that went with covering up this sinful behavior).

Whether or not it went all the way physically does not change the fact that he has not been sexually–i.e. romantically–faithful in the broad sense of the term. So, I would say that Matthew 19:9 applies in your situation as grounds for you to divorce him. Admittedly, that is my interpretation and application from this text.

However, I would not advise divorcing him if you do not have peace doing so–i.e. do NOT violate your own conscience on this matter.

Whatever you do, I hope you establish the truth in your heart that you are not to blame for his infidelity and the consequences that followed from those sins. It is NOT your fault!

May God surround you in His comforting arms and guide you through this difficult season!