Sometimes You Have To Choose


Someday You Will Have To Choose In Your Counsel Between Enabling Adultery or Encouraging Divorce.

Is Your Theology Ready For That?

wpid-2015-03-01-14.09.39.jpg.jpegI write this as I reflect upon the trainwreck that is The Village Church pastoral care. Here’s a post to some rather hair-raising stories of spiritual abuse (click here). My hope is that Pastor Matt Chandler and his co-pastors take a serious look as such stories and adjust their theology and practice to avoid creating more. If he was honest in his sermon (click here), I suspect steps will be made to redress these situations.

In this link, you will find a story (Story #4) of a woman who survived abuse and infidelity only to be harassed by church leadership for choosing divorce. I am simply floored leadership would not support her in her decision to divorce someone who was flagrantly living a life in opposition to God’s commands. He was living with another person and having an affair on top of being abusive! 

That story strikes me as an example of pastors treating divorce as a completely unacceptable option (thoughts here). It is a theological failure as I read Scripture.

God does not tolerate adultery.

He is clear in both the Old and New Testament such is clear grounds for ending a marriage (see Jer. 3:8, Mt 1:19, Mt 5:32, etc). To insist this lady stay in a marriage where her husband was blatently carrying on an affair is to participate in enabling adultery and abuse. And the fact her story aligns with the first story in leadership’s insistance–that John pursue his ex-wife who was unfaithful so as to remarry–suggests to me a problematic pattern and the likelihood these things actually did happen as horrifying as they are to believe as a pastor watching from the outside.

Divorce is not a good option. No really good options exist after adultery has occured. But I believe divorce is a far better option than enabling adultery and the destruction of the faithful spouse. If God exercised this option with an adulterous Israel (Jeremiah 3:8), why not His people when faced with such serious sin?

Sometimes as pastors we may be faced with situations as Story 4 presented TVC leadership.

Will we dogmatically cling to the marriage covenant between “Believers” as invoilable or will we decide to protect the adultery victim recognizing that divorce may be the best of the bad options left on the table? 

I hope more pastor’s theology of marriage and divorce is ready for the day to make such a choice. And I hope they take a stand for holiness and protect faithful spouses as opposed to dying in the ditch over protecting a marriage even God allows to be ended (e.g. Jeremiah 3:8 and Mt 19:9).


***I stress this is just a decision regarding pastoral counsel. The ultimate decision regarding the fate of the marriage remains in the hands of the couple, not the pastor. The husband/wife are the ones ultimately responsible to God for such a decision.


4 thoughts on “Sometimes You Have To Choose”

  1. David, I have read most, if not all, of your articles regarding the Village Church situation, browsed many of the links you shared, including the gut-wrenching one in this article of other similar stories. I also listened to Pastor Matt’s sermon on May 31 as I worked out this week. It is more of an apology to the church and an explanation of Matt. 18 than an apology to Karen, which I trust they have done separately. I have labored all week knowing what or if any reply I might offer would be helpful. You give voice to the victim of adultery; thank you. I am reminded of the comment the wife of the senior pastor under whom I served for one year when I came here made to me after her husband failed and abandoned his marriage. She said, “Divorce is like an open wound that never heals. At least when the spouse dies there is a funeral, well wishes and closure, but not with a divorce.” For nearly 17 years those words have reminded me of the pain and shame of divorce.

    There is no good way in this reply to offer some counter to your statements, but I want to try, as lovingly and graciously as I can, some with statements and some with questions to help you see that perhaps things are not as black and white as they appear since, as you said, we can’t know the true hearts of either the church leaders or the couples involved.

    First, Hebrews 13:17 is an excellent guide but not to be used as control. But it is that middle part of the verse that has helped keep me in check as a pastor for these years. Referring to the need to obey and submit to leaders, the writer explains why: “…as those who will have to give an account.” Ultimately, I will stand before God as a pastor leader for the things I have said (as a teacher) and the things I have done (as a leader/shepherd) and God, who is the righteous judge and who knows all hearts, will judge fairly. That is both terrifying and liberating. I cast myself before him, confessing those times when I have tried to control and not loved and trusted him because he knows my heart as no one else does. My point here is that with so much written attacking the leaders of the Village Church, it may be fine to point out their apparent errors, but do we really know their hearts? The one particular leader looks to be a real villain in many of the stories but he does not ultimately answer to you or me but to God himself. This is why we are to pray for our national leaders and those in charge of our governments because they are to stand before a holy God one day, as do our pastors/leaders and also we who are husbands. All leadership at any level will stand to be judged by God one day. As such we can point out where they are going off track, so far as we see it, but we ultimately trust that he will judge fairly. Now don’t hear what I am not saying; I am not saying those who have been hurt deeply should remain silent. I am suggesting that blogs that judge and attack do not help as much as they also bring shame to the gospel and the name of Christ. You have said yourself that you do not wish to judge, but is it possible that you have been doing that very thing as you have again felt the shame from your own experience?

    Second, our tone is crucial, again for gospel purposes and for honoring the name of Christ since the world is watching how we treat our own brothers and sisters in Christ. John 1:14 has been something I wish were true of me when it says that Jesus was “full of grace and truth.” How I wish that were true of me! I am a “truth” guy who uses truth like a weapon far too often but need to use the model of Christ who did not just hold both in balance but was full of both! David, are your written words full of both grace and truth? 1 Timothy 5:19 say that a charge against an elder should be on the evidence of two or three witnesses. And if they persist in their proven sin, they are to be rebuked in the presence of the congregation (that is how I understand “all”). I wonder if we who are on the outside looking in can allow this process to take place within their own local body. You might say, “Well, we can’t trust them! And Pastor Matt only gets involved when it’s big!” Well, do we actually know what they have done in light of 1 Tim. 5:19-20? Maybe that’s a better question to ask their leaders rather than skewer them in blogs. In other words, what are we accomplishing by sharing our vitriol in blogs? it does share our pain with others like us, but is that the best and most biblical approach? To let their leaders provide discipline of their leaders does take trust, in them and in God, and perhaps they do not have a great track record there; I don’t know their practice or their hearts. So again we are back to the righteous judge.

    Finally, I have been in several of these type of situations in my tenure here as a pastor. They are never simple and they are always complicated. I have made mistakes and I have lost dear friends. I have not sat in your chair of pain and humiliation but I do still sit in the seat of pain and humiliation of trying to lead through enormous pressure and crisis. And frankly, by the time it gets to the pastor, they are already 95% gone. Usually getting involved means just getting beat up. Do you realize that those who do what we do often get beat up in the process too? I’m not asking for sympathy; this is a calling and one I gladly bear (most of the time). I have also come to realize why membership covenants like theirs are necessary. They are necessary because of the litigious society we live in and there are probably as many cases of lawsuits against churches as there are cases like Karen’s because loving church discipline, appropriately applied was seen as abuse and thus sued for it (sorry; I don’t have statistics, just the testimony of our church insurance agent who has binders of stories of how and why churches are sued, for this and other reasons). It is an impossible job we do but we do it because of the gospel of Christ and our pursuit of God for ourselves and those we shepherd inadequately. No story is best believed from only one vantage point. It seems that every time I hear the story of one of the two and believe the other person is completely wrong, then I hear the other side and get all confused. I wish I had the wisdom of Solomon. I do have the Holy Spirit and his Word, but I do mess up which is why I often consult with our elders. And then once again, I throw myself before the righteous judge who knows all hearts.

    This is VERY long and I don’t know if anyone will read it. I wrote because I want you to consider that the Village Church pastors and pastors like me and every other gospel-centered guy out there is not trying to hurt people in situations like this. Sometimes we get it right and no one writes blogs for us when we do. But when we get it wrong… All I invite you to do, David, is consider whether your posts have exhibited grace and truth. It occurred to me last week in an application portion of my Sunday sermon on spiritual warfare, using Ephesians 6 and the armor of God, that truth is not a weapon (the Word is) but the thing that holds all the other pieces together. it was something I needed to hear. Is that helpful for you? Thanks for hearing me out. I do pray for you as you do have a wonderful platform with many readers and do have a good deal of influence.

    1. With all due respect, I did not finish your post. I was pretty much done by the end of the first paragraph. I’m assuming “failed and abandoned ” means “cheated and left”?. While all who choose divorce may feel pain, I feel no shame. My ex told me when I discovered her adultery “I divorced you in my heart long ago”. I feel no shame in expediting the process allowing her butt to join her heart. She got shame when we divided property. I also refuse to call my situation “an open wound that never heals. My God IS a healer. I might have a scar, scab…but I WILL HEAL.

    2. Bruce,

      Thank you for reading and sharing your time in writing such a long response to me. I have pulled out your comment and made a seperate post of it today since I wanted to give you a more thorough response from my perspective. Plus, I think such an exchange would be good for my readers to see. Once again, I love you and am thankful for our relationship as family both by blood and in Christ.


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