Why The Adultery Focus On Divorce Minister

With so many divorces happening via “no fault” divorce laws todaywpid-2014-08-01-13.50.06.jpg.jpeg, it might seem strange to focus on adultery when talking about divorce. I take this objection or concern as an opportunity to explain my blog’s focus and reasoning behind it:

1. I focus on divorce and adultery because that is how Jesus approached the subject of divorce. While other Biblical circumstances exist surrounding divorce (e.g. abandonment by an unbelieving spouse–I Cor. 7), Jesus always inserted adultery/sexual unfaithfulness into the discussion when he taught on divorce (see Mt 5, Mt 19, Mk 10, and Lk 16). My goal in pastoral ministry is to faithfully follow the Good Shepherd’s example, and I believe I am doing just that by talking about both subjects together as Jesus did.

2. While the Biblical passages on divorce are fairly limited, we do have an abundance of references to adultery and God’s heart concerning adultery in Scripture including a whole book of the Bible built around that motif (see Hosea). However, if you are like me, you have probably heard more teaching about divorce in your lifetime from the pulpit than you have about adultery. I am seeking to address this Biblical teaching deficit on this blog.

3. Where many circumstances surrounding allowable divorce in Scripture remain unclear due to the limited passages we have on divorce, we do have very clear and consistent teaching throughout both the Old and New Testaments allowing both divorce and remarriage in the case of adultery. If we are confused on the matter of allowable divorce in the case of adultery, one can only assume such confusion will extend to other circumstances even more so. I hope by talking about the clear cases involving sexual infidelity that we may gain better clarity over the subject in general.

4. For lack of solid Biblical teaching and confusion over the matter of adultery, many faithful spouses and families are being hurt, blamed, and shamed. And the tragic thing about this sad situation is that sometimes it is being done by well-meaning–yet dangerously naive–Christians. Someone needs to speak up about this for everyone’s sake. And I would add that I would have placed myself in the dangerously naive camp prior to discovering my former spouse’s infidelity and going through divorce. I am not interested in shaming sincere followers of Christ, yet I am interested in stopping the unbiblical abuse of faithful spouses and their families.

5. Surviving both my former spouse’s adultery and the divorce is my experience. Simply stated: my focus on both divorce and adultery is such because I am writing from what I know. I have the authority to speak on these subjects as one who has experienced them. In other words, this blog is done in the spirit in which the Apostle Paul writes in 2 Cor 1:3-4: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (NIV).

These are just a few reasons behind my blog’s focus on divorce and adultery. However, the most important reason I am writing this blog is because I feel God has called me to do it, and I must obey my Lord. I hope it has a positive impact upon the Church and faithful spouses/families abroad, but ultimately my blog is a success because I am doing what my God is calling me to do. The rest is a humbling bonus.

9 thoughts on “Why The Adultery Focus On Divorce Minister”

  1. I am so glad I found your blog…I feel like my situation is literally killing me! It has been 1 year and 10 days for me and all time is doing for me is making me realize just how wrong and horrible what my husband has done actually is! I can’t do this anymore I want out so bad… And all other info I found was about saving marriage after infedilty I want to know its ok if I leave? It seems every time I looked up something on the internet it was about staying in and saving this marriage there aren’t many sites that tell you it’s ok to leave and that I wont burn in hell… I did nothing wrong any wrong any…no I wasn’t perfect but I was a good wife and we were the couple everyone envied!!!! I don’t deserve this much pain… I am really struggling and it has been over a year now????

    1. Somuchhurt,

      No spouse is perfect. But that is besides the point. Choosing to commit adultery along with all the lies is 100% upon the adulterer/adulteress. Scripture is clear that divorcing an unfaithful spouse is an option open to faithful spouses without shame or moral/spiritual condemnation. Jesus Himself does not condemn in this (see Mt 19). So, neither will I. The choice is the faithful spouse’s. They are not required morally or spiritually to stay in the marriage after adultery has been discovered as I read Scripture. My heart goes out to you, Somuchhurt! I hope this helps and am glad you found the website. May God make His love and comfort ever more real to you as you walk through this dark valley!

    2. Somuchhurt- there isn’t a set timeline to when the pain stops, when we stop grieving. It’s a long journey and hard one at that, and it varies for each person. Take the time that you need, feel your pain. Others may not understand how you express it but don’t let them cramp your style. It is okay if you leave. Rebuilding after infidelity is no easy task. Pain usually isn’t given based on what we deserve. Sometimes it’s fair, other times we’re left hanging, watching as the ones we want to be hurting get off seemingly scotch free, other times we ourselves don’t get what we deserve. The pain of infidelity usually isn’t one that survivors would wish on someone else, for a reason. Your pain comes from a loss of something important to you. You didn’t deserve infidelity. You do deserve to mourn. It’s okay to grieve that loss. The pain sucks, no one likes pain. Give yourself the space and grace you need to mourn.

  2. Thank you so much for the responses ! We have had many counseling sessions with our pastor as soon as the truth came out but we have not been in the last few months. And I do love and respect my pastor and everything he has to say and suggest. But I feel like he is just pushing me to stay married because it’s what God wants?
    I want a divorce – it’s been a little over a year and the pain is still so overwhelming. I don’t love or trust my husband anymore and I don’t want that kind of marriage. I told my husband yesterday I was going to file for divorce that I just can’t do this anymore and of course he goes to our pastor this morning and my pastor text me today asking if I didn’t mind to come speak with him? I already know how this conversation will go. I read my Bible and I know what Jesus said about adultery but nobody seems to get that but me everyone makes me feel so guilty for wanting a divorce. I’m just so confused! My husband is truly remorseful and he is trying so hard that is why my decision has been so hard….but I know his affair will always be with us for the rest of our lives if I stay. I just don’t want that in my marriage? I never had any idea such pain existed!

    1. Somuchhurt- affairs aren’t supposed to be in a marriage to begin with and they don’t just disappear down the road. You can file for divorce. Chump Lady has a good point when she says not to give the cheating spouse the head’s up that you’re filing. Just file and get your ducks in a row. When you give them the head’s up you’re giving them the opportunity to try and stop you and to hide their stuff better. If you want to file, just do it. You have a biblical out and it’s biblical for a reason. Find an individual therapist that will see the infidelity as the trauma it is and help you rebuild your life. I said this in another comment to someone else, but you do have the option to divorce, give yourself space and time to heal and then if down the road he’s worked his stuff out and you’ve fixed your picker and are in a place where you could trust him again, then remarry him. If you don’t remarry him then the door is open for a different wonderful man to come into your life. Trust takes a long time to restore, if it ever gets restored. Part of being truly remorseful is him understanding that you may very well leave and never trust him again, and in turn accepting that as the natural consequence of his actions.

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