But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel,
Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour…
– Isaiah 43:1-3a, KJV (emphasis mine)
Scars of a degrading, slanderous narrative can last far longer than any divorce.
I personally can attest to this fact. As a naturally introspective sort of person, I spent way too many hours and days parsing the half-truths and flat out lies my ex and her cohorts fabricated about me. These were the real sources of lasting destructive pain for me.
In my opinion, she painted a picture of me as a wife-beating, lazy couch potato to her supporters. My ex even tried to turn my own mother against me with such slanderous insinuations but was unsuccessful when my mother challenged her about the facts regarding such serious insinuations regarding her own son. She had none, really.
This false picture of me used to be a source of great pain.
I would never beat my wife. That is completely against my nature and upbringing. I do not hit women.
So, it pained me greatly for her to characterize me as such a man–i.e. someone who was a hairs-breath away from loosing it and going violent with her. This from the one woman–at the time–I had let closest to my heart and to which I had been most vulnerable.
The false narrative itself was a betrayal of great proportions.
But this narrative, finally, does not eat at my heart. Something has changed in me. I no longer need the validation of my ex-wife’s opinions nor the validation of her supporters.
I know the truth.
The truth is that such a narrative about me was and is a lie.
And the truth has set me free, indeed.
This false narrative might not be the one tailor made to cut you down or infect your mind with endless hours of torment:
Maybe he called you crazy and unstable helping you along by gas-lighting you?
Perhaps, she claimed you are an emotionally unavailable man and that’s why she cheated on you?
I encourage you not to take the words of a known liar and cheat to heart. Find the truth and let the truth set you free. You do not need them to agree with you.
After all, what good is an agreement with someone who has demonstrated neither valuing truth or your well-being as a person?
Let the truth lead you to peace.
Thanks! One of the biggest sources of pain in my heart that I’m struggling with is the things my ex-husband and ex-mother-in-law said to me. I’ve struggled with social anxiety and I’ve had this maybe paranoid belief that I might be boring and hard to be around. I comforted myself by believing that my ex liked me. It turns out he did not and was more than willing to tell me all about how I wasn’t fun, how he had doubts about marrying me because of the shyness but thought he could change me, how he never would have married me if he’d lived with me first, that every word from my mouth was annoying and that I was NOT normal…
This crushed me and made me wonder if my paranoid beliefs were actually true. As it was, because of my self-limiting beliefs and the fact that my couple close friends from high school moved far away after graduation, my ex was my only friend aside from maybe my parents. I had to make new friends all while seriously wondering if people would actually like me for me and want to be around me. Even though I’ve made friends, the thoughts still come in from time to time and they hurt.
I was even told that he wouldn’t have had his second affair if I would have “gotten help” sooner even though I really thought after the first affair that the reasons were purely sexual. (He listed a number of sexual things when I confronted him about the first affair). I even asked him at that time to go to marriage counseling and he said he thought we could just work this out ourselves. My mother-in-law tried asking me why I didn’t get help sooner and told me that “it may not justify his behavior but she does know he’s been unhappy for a long time and unhappiness causes people to do not so nice things.”
I feel ashamed for struggling with anxiety and for being scared to go to counseling and I feel frustrated that even though I may have made some progress that I still struggle sometimes with shyness despite all the counseling I did end up going to. Sometimes, those thoughts of what if I had been a better wife creep in. It’s like I still want to argue with what they said in my mind and try to dissect what happened in the marriage. You know all the advice that you should take responsibility for “your part” in the failure of the marriage and work on yourself so that you don’t repeat those mistakes in the future? Well, sometimes I feel like my part isn’t so clear cut. How do you fix someone thinking that you’re not normal? What if you try and are still struggling with your faults? How do I know that I’m finally whole enough that people would like me for me and be happy to be around me?
How did you stop believing the lies? I really need to heal these scars, but they are so deep that they seem to linger on even after years…
SueBee, your spouse is full of it! Unfortunately he has convinced his Mommy Dearest that you were the cause of his affair! Don’t you believe it too! Your husband knew what your personality was when he took vows with you and he accepted you the way you were! He should never have blamed your shyness or social anxiety as a reason for an affair! There simply is NO excuse for an affair other than your husband lacks character and the ability to own his bad choices! He’s a snake!
You did nothing to cause his infidelity! He just decided to make a poor choice and is too much of a coward to admit it. It’s a common thing that cheaters do laying blame on all sorts of things that their spouses did to “make them cheat” and I assure you they are baseless! Tell your Mother-in-Law to stop covering for the poor job she did raising her son. Apparently she did not do a good job instilling values and morals in him! If anyone is to blame then it is this spineless woman who obviously has aided him all his life in getting away with bad behavior!
SueB,
I recommend reading the book, REJECTION EXPOSED by Anthony Hulsebus (on my resources page). It helped me tremendously to type out and print out select prayers from the back chapter of the book designed to address specific lies I believed using Scripture (i.e. the Sword of the Spirit). I prayed those prayers daily–i.e. the ones I struggled with specifically–and for months. Lies must be confronted and replaced with truth.
As to the question about what we contributed, I am firmly and unequivocally opposed to such accusations and slander. In no way did we–faithful spouses–cause the adultery/infidelity. Scripture is crystal clear on that matter. Sin comes from the heart of the sinner alone. It is not the product of a relationship…including a marital relationship.
Our personal growth and owning our own sinful actions are a totally separate issue to the infidelity. Each person needs to grow in their sanctification and maturity. This is not unique to divorcees or faithful spouses, in particular.
Also, I agree with Roberta on this one regarding your ex-MIL. She ought to worry more about herself spend less time pointing the finger at you. She is the one who raised a serial adulterer. Anyone with even the smallest modicum of empathy and self-respect would be ashamed to blame the victim of their own child’s wicked behavior. Does not say much to commend her own character, IMO.
It will likely take some significant time to unplug the lies from your head. Do not give up. Keep reminding yourself of the truth: Adultery is NEVER excusable or justifiable! You are NEVER to blame for your ex-husband’s sins. This is NOT your shame to bear.
Blessings,
DM
Thanks DM, I’ll look into that book. 🙂