Dear DM,
It was a Godsend to come across your blog after as the evangelical Christian community’s biased view of divorce versus adultery is so prevalent, harsh, and unBiblical. Anyway, my current personal situation with marital infidelity is primarily related to decades of unrepentant porn use by my husband that has escalated over the years in risk/frequency (binge use, using at work, using in public parking lots, using in public spaces at work). It’s definitely an addiction. There have also been confessions of other types of infidelity in my marriage beyond porn, including what would be considered in the category of voyeurism (what would you call stealing/watching our friends’ personal sex tapes)?
Anyway, I am digressing from my actual question. Porn is a growing issue, statistically even among Evangelical believers. I have searched through your posts and do not see you addressing pornography much, if at all. Can you speak to more your thoughts on this? Part of the other bias I’m running into in the church is this idea that “it’s just porn” (not adultery) and that some feel that porn does not fall into the category of ‘porneia’ so therefore is not grounds for divorce. I guess now that I’ve read several of your posts on emotional affairs, it feels like a porn addiction can be deemed an emotional affair with pornographic images or even with a particular porn star.
I would appreciate your thoughts. And thank you again for your blog.
Listening
Dear Listening,
Thanks for your kind words! I am always happy to hear about how this ministry is helping folks.
As far as my stance on porn use is concerned, I have not written a lot on the matter. In my experience, evangelicals talk more about the evils of porn use than they do about the evils of adultery. Hence, I spend more time on this blog exposing the sins of adultery.
That said, I still condemn porn use as sin. Any habitual sin will separate us from God’s mercy and grace (see Hebrews 10:26-27).
You write,
Part of the other bias I’m running into in the church is this idea that “it’s just porn” (not adultery) and that some feel that porn does not fall into the category of ‘porneia’ so therefore is not grounds for divorce. I guess now that I’ve read several of your posts on emotional affairs, it feels like a porn addiction can be deemed an emotional affair with pornographic images or even with a particular porn star.
Well, it is odd that the Greek word that pornography is derived from would exclude porn as a grounds. I just think that is foolish and poor exegesis and textual application on the part of those wanting to exclude porn use as grounds for divorce.
Now, I think a danger here exists for this to be abused. Someone could catch a spouse in a slip up and then divorce him over a stumble–as opposed to a lifestyle of use. That is probably what those who deny this as grounds want to avoid.
I think God wants us to be sober about the decision to divorce. He does not us to abuse this mercy like the Jewish men did in Malachi 2.
Your comments about the porn use turning into an emotional affair is a good distinction to hold. We are not talking about a stumble into a porn site here or there (as they are everywhere)! Rather, it is a relationship with porn–and possibly a particular porn star–that shows a heart given to another person. That is cheating and grounds for divorce for sure!
Ultimately, this is a grey area. I would err on the side of mercy for the faithful spouse. I cannot imagine how painful it is living in relationship with someone who chooses porn over the marriage bed routinely!
My sense is Jesus would take the side of the victim in such situations and offer mercy for them to start anew somewhere else. I just do not believe he would insist on them staying with someone who has given their hearts to another via porn.
Hope that helps!
